What stayed with me is the discovery that vulnerability does not intensify the limerence, but helps loosen its hold. “I’m powerful when I’m vulnerable” becomes more than a therapeutic phrase; it becomes a way of returning to yourself.
I also loved the final image of the Substack share as a cold, wet splat of honesty: awkward, exposed, and completely alive.
Penny, I smiled more than once while reading this. I love that you didn't try to shrink your intensity into something more acceptable. "All 295 yards of my too muchness" felt less like the end of an essay and more like someone finally giving themselves permission to take up their full space. I hope that version of you never apologizes again. 🫶
Penny...I loved the honesty and humor with which you held all of this: grief, desire, your daughters’ reactions, Good Girl Conditioning, imagined social judgment, and the question of whether intensity is something to manage or something you are finally permitted to inhabit.
Your discovery that vulnerability diminished the limerence rather than feeding it makes sense to me. Limerence seems to thrive in uncertainty, where the imagination can construct an entire relationship without being interrupted by the reality of another person.
Vulnerability allows the imagined relationship to encounter the real one.
The moment you send the article, he is no longer only the person inside your thoughts. He is free to respond, misunderstand, reciprocate, hesitate, or reveal that what you perceived was not actually there. Vulnerability becomes grounding because it permits truth to enter the space fantasy had occupied.
I wonder whether that also distinguishes vulnerability from simply disclosing everything at once. Vulnerability does not require all 295 yards of your too muchness to arrive on someone’s doorstep immediately. It can be small and paced. It can tell the truth while listening for whether the other person has the desire and capacity to meet you there.
Its power is not that it guarantees the response you hope for. Its power is that you do not have to manipulate yourself to secure one.
Your daughter’s “Isn’t that enough?” also carries so much tenderness. Your daughters can be completely enough as daughters without being asked to fill the place of adult romantic companionship. And still, I can understand how your movement toward someone new might awaken fears of displacement, change, or losing another part of the family they knew.
You do not need to become smaller to be loved. Perhaps the invitation is to bring your fullness honestly while allowing intimacy to discover its own shared pace.
That cold, wet splat of vulnerability did not force a future. It simply said, “I see you, and I am willing to let you see me attempting to see you.” That is a meaningful risk.
Penny, “Today Me” gives the essay its hinge: vulnerability becomes a choice you can own while grief, motherhood, faith, and old conditioning remain present in the room. Sending the article carries romantic risk and also refuses the thousands of small transactions through which the “too much wife” learned to bargain for acceptance. The cold, wet splat works because it is playful, consequential, and released before the outcome is known. Thank you for trusting us with the moment when intensity becomes part of your authorship over your own life.
This is a brave essay! “Limerence” as a word has only been used for 47 years, and was coined by a therapist to describe a very intense feeling of romantic attraction that is fueled more by idealization of the other person than by realistic perceptions or practical thinking about that individual. Your use of that technical term shows that you have done lots of homework and are serious about discovering what really is going on. You are in a tough spot, with children resisting change. Perhaps involving your children
in the discovery process might
be an effective way to vet this person and see if he is the real McCoy. Before I met her, my dear wife moved back home to
stay with her parents, partly as a test of anybody she dated. Any fellow who lost interest upon finding she lived at home thus took himself out of the running as a worthy marriage
candidate. When I arrived to pick her up, every male relative
in the neighborhood was there in the living room, so right away
I knew how important she was to her family. I think you are wise to be cautious, and your overture via Substack sounds like a very good idea. Reality is a great antidote to limerence.
I love the words you put to life♥️.
Thank you so very much!
What stayed with me is the discovery that vulnerability does not intensify the limerence, but helps loosen its hold. “I’m powerful when I’m vulnerable” becomes more than a therapeutic phrase; it becomes a way of returning to yourself.
I also loved the final image of the Substack share as a cold, wet splat of honesty: awkward, exposed, and completely alive.
Penny, I smiled more than once while reading this. I love that you didn't try to shrink your intensity into something more acceptable. "All 295 yards of my too muchness" felt less like the end of an essay and more like someone finally giving themselves permission to take up their full space. I hope that version of you never apologizes again. 🫶
Goodbye before I say hello
tell me more?
And maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll be loved. Yes that’s so very true! And love of absolutely everything.
Penny...I loved the honesty and humor with which you held all of this: grief, desire, your daughters’ reactions, Good Girl Conditioning, imagined social judgment, and the question of whether intensity is something to manage or something you are finally permitted to inhabit.
Your discovery that vulnerability diminished the limerence rather than feeding it makes sense to me. Limerence seems to thrive in uncertainty, where the imagination can construct an entire relationship without being interrupted by the reality of another person.
Vulnerability allows the imagined relationship to encounter the real one.
The moment you send the article, he is no longer only the person inside your thoughts. He is free to respond, misunderstand, reciprocate, hesitate, or reveal that what you perceived was not actually there. Vulnerability becomes grounding because it permits truth to enter the space fantasy had occupied.
I wonder whether that also distinguishes vulnerability from simply disclosing everything at once. Vulnerability does not require all 295 yards of your too muchness to arrive on someone’s doorstep immediately. It can be small and paced. It can tell the truth while listening for whether the other person has the desire and capacity to meet you there.
Its power is not that it guarantees the response you hope for. Its power is that you do not have to manipulate yourself to secure one.
Your daughter’s “Isn’t that enough?” also carries so much tenderness. Your daughters can be completely enough as daughters without being asked to fill the place of adult romantic companionship. And still, I can understand how your movement toward someone new might awaken fears of displacement, change, or losing another part of the family they knew.
You do not need to become smaller to be loved. Perhaps the invitation is to bring your fullness honestly while allowing intimacy to discover its own shared pace.
That cold, wet splat of vulnerability did not force a future. It simply said, “I see you, and I am willing to let you see me attempting to see you.” That is a meaningful risk.
Penny, “Today Me” gives the essay its hinge: vulnerability becomes a choice you can own while grief, motherhood, faith, and old conditioning remain present in the room. Sending the article carries romantic risk and also refuses the thousands of small transactions through which the “too much wife” learned to bargain for acceptance. The cold, wet splat works because it is playful, consequential, and released before the outcome is known. Thank you for trusting us with the moment when intensity becomes part of your authorship over your own life.
This is a brave essay! “Limerence” as a word has only been used for 47 years, and was coined by a therapist to describe a very intense feeling of romantic attraction that is fueled more by idealization of the other person than by realistic perceptions or practical thinking about that individual. Your use of that technical term shows that you have done lots of homework and are serious about discovering what really is going on. You are in a tough spot, with children resisting change. Perhaps involving your children
in the discovery process might
be an effective way to vet this person and see if he is the real McCoy. Before I met her, my dear wife moved back home to
stay with her parents, partly as a test of anybody she dated. Any fellow who lost interest upon finding she lived at home thus took himself out of the running as a worthy marriage
candidate. When I arrived to pick her up, every male relative
in the neighborhood was there in the living room, so right away
I knew how important she was to her family. I think you are wise to be cautious, and your overture via Substack sounds like a very good idea. Reality is a great antidote to limerence.